It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
