The maid of honor just puked.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
