and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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