He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
