you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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