Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
