why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Couch. On fire.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
