is your mom at the bar?
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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