Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
