Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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