Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
