sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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