No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
