But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
