i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
