I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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