And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
