I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
