What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Randomize
