He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
