she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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