my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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