Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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