Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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