So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
