I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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