i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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