They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
