cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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