I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
