I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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