my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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