you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
