shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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