The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
ugly people sure do ruin things
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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