I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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