Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
