This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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