Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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