The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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