paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
