New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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