see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
