i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
