lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
