we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
