That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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