watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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