is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
