so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Sorry about my life...
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
