So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
